May 5- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto-8pm

May 6- The Rivoli, Toronto- 9pm

May 7- Comedy Bar Toronto- 9pm

May 10- Burford Agricultural Hall

May 22- Hogtown Comedy Toronto, 9pm

May 25- Flappers Comedy Club, LA- 7pm

May 26- Power Violence, LA- 8pm

He’s back and better than ever, the hilarious Chris Locke is on the show as we talk about sea monsters, green tea, vitamins, and stuff that we see on TV as we record this very special “in the comedy condo in Halifax” edition of Rehash

follow him @ChrisLockeFun

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

APRIL 5-6 – Yuk Yuk’s Hamilton 8pm

APRIL 8- Comedy Bar Toronto 8pm

APRIL 9- Upfront Bar Toronto 8pm

APRIL 13- Heydenshore Pavilion Whitby, 9pm

APRIL 15- The Rivoli 9pm

APRIL 26- Seton Hall New Market 9pm

APRIL 27- Ramada Trenton Hotel, Trenton 9pm

APRIL 28- The Rivoli 9pm

Long time bud, all time great Comedian Rob Bebenek is on the show to talk about, his hate of people on the Internet, being angry, eating cookies, and how we’re amazing pals!

Follow him @RobBebenek

Hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Star of TV and hearts and minds nation wide Hunter Collins is on the show to talk about horror movies, tweeting, weed and standup, and where he buys his “Tremors” t-shirts.

follow up @Hunter_Collins

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Comedian, TV host, hilarious gentleman and fellow resident of the same apartment complex DJ Demers is on the show to talk about why he’s NOT on Facebook, hearing aids and the police, not being a “DJ”, and OCD!

follow him @DJDemers

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

MARCH 3- YUK YUK’s Toronto-8pm

MARCH 4- Vape on the Lake Comedy- 9pm

MARCH 7- Yuk Yuk’s London- 9pm

MARCH 8- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto- 8pm and 10pm

MARCH 9- I HEART JOKES AWARDS SHOW

MARCH 13- Comedy Bar Toronto- 9pm

MARCH 14- Shenkman Theatre- Ottawa- 9pm

MARCH 18- Comedy at The Office Pub- 8pm

MARCH 19- Canadian Music Week at The Central Bar- 9pm

MARCH 21,22,23-YUK YUK’S HALIFAX- 8pm

MARCH 28,29,30- YUK YUK’S ST.JOHN’s-8pm

HANDS DOWN the most fun I’ve had recording a podcast the very hilarious Sandra Battaglini and Phil Luzi are on the show to talk about strippers, Twitter, The Spam Show, and EVERYTHING else- so much fun, follow these people and go see the Sal and Sandy show happening each month

Follow them @SandraBatt and @PhilLuzi

Hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Host of the Ilunsionoid Podcast, Actor, Comedian, friend, Nug is on the show to talk about movies, being a nerd, and losing a whole human being!

follow him @Nug13

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Recorded during SF Sketchfest in San Francisco, you may recognize this guest from Attack of the Show on G4TV and his own podcast PodCrash Chris Gore is on the show to talk about being verified, Tweeting the ladies, Podcrashing, his multiple Twitter accounts, and his mind blowing theory on 2012

follow him @ThatChrisGore

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Friend, Comedian, booker, promoter, everythingmen Evan Desmarais is on the show and we talk about NFL blitz, Twitter bots and promo, and Losing It on MTV.

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Follow Evan @EvnDsmrs

I only spelt it correctly at the top of the blog because I looked at the calendar…I think it’s the UA combination that makes it look like a more complicated word than it actually is…yeah that’s gotta be it, I’ll blame letter combinations.

Thanks to everyone that came out to shows in January, headling in Hamilton at the beggining of the month, everyone that came to the album taping, and Febrautty looks to be another great show month with alot of travel.

I’m very excited to be at the San Francisco Sketch fest this year check out sfsketchfest.com for tickets if you’re there from Feb 6-11.

Here’s what I got goin on this month, and also I just booked my headlining weekend at the downtown Toronto Yuk Yuk’s Club for the week of July 3rd, keep it open I’d love to see some fans and listeners of the podcast out!

JAN 31-FEB 1-2 – YUK YUKS KITCHENER- 8 AND 10PM

FEB 5- HEADLINING NIAGARA COLLEGE- 8PM

FEB 6- 11- SAN FRANCISCO SKETCH FEST, ROOFTOP COMEDY SHOWCASES

FEB 16- PRIVATE EVENT

FEB 17- COMEDY BAR-8PM

FEB 22-23- The Rialto Theatre, Montana- 7pm-930PM

FEB 28- COMEDY BAR-8PM

Super friend and super Comedian Nick Reynoldson is on the show to talk about parrots, tweeting the NBA, a guy named “Chemical Ali”, and how much he can eat and where it all goes!

follow him @NickReynoldson

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Very excited to have Comedian Pete Zedlacher on the show who you may and WILL recognize from The Ron James show, Just For Laughs, Halifax Comedy Fest, and a plethora of many more things, we talk about Muppets, touring with the military, and why his Twitter banner photo is so depressing.

follow him @Zedlacher

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Hilarious Comedian Graham Kay joins the show to talk about living in New York, meth neighbours, and being absolutely terrified and baffled by technology.

Follow him @GrahamKayComedy

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Comedian, Twitterer, and new resident of Los Angeles Jon Schabl is back in Canada for a bit and joins the show to talk Favstar, “more man”, and the proper way to eat Lucky Charms.

Follow him @JSchabl

Hosted by @Matt_OBrien

I say that like I’M some how the HOST of January, I don’t OWN January so if you have any problems with the month I’m not the guy to come to… I dont know who owns the months….the government? Pepsi? Someone find out and let me know.

December was a great month for shows, had some great shows, had one of the worst I’ve ever done. What a roller coaster.

But I’m excited for what Januararry (Spelling!?) has to hold.

Most importantly I’m recording a new album on the 19th at Comedy Bar.

All new material not on my TV special which I’ve been bustin my ass to polish up and get ready for the big day…it makes it sound less fun and entertaining when I say I’ve been “busting my ass” on my material- but its a FUN ass busting, otherwise why the hell would I be doing this if I wasn’t having a good time with it, ya know?

Here’s some dates in January I hope you’ll bust YOUR ass to come out to…then sit back and relax and leave the rest of the ass busting to ME.

JAN 4-5- Headlining Yuk Yuks Hamilton-8pm and 10pm

JAN 6- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto- 8pm

JAN 8- Yuk Yuk’s Kitchener-8pm

JAN 9- St Lawrence College-8pm

JAN 10- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto-8pm

JAN 15- Comedy at The Ossington- 8pm

JAN 18- The Sal and Sandy show at the Underground Comedy Club- 9pm

JAN 19-COMEDY ALBUM RECORDING at COMEDY BAR (Bloor and Ossington)- 8pm and 10pm

JAN 21- The Rivoli Toronto- 9pm

JAN 22- McMaster University- 8pm

Add this gentleman to the group of good friends I started comedy with oh so many years ago my near dear Pat MacDonald is on the show to talk family, girlfriends, being retweeted by Rainn Wilson, and getting in a track suit war with Sinbad on Twitter.

follow him @PatMacDonald

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

My nearest and dearest friend in life AND comedy returns to Rehash fresh off a lengthy stay in England to talk social media in Europe, train tweeting, and the most talk about comedy straying away from the core Twitter theme ever on this podcast

follow him @thejohnhastings

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

One of my long time comedy friends Neil Rhodes joined me while I was snug in my Edmonton hotel room to talk about Uncle Glen, Joke writing and Twitter, and Beer, and how Neil should play piano in a Saloon.

follow him @NeilWRhodes

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

The very funny, very loud, very dramatic Dom Pare comes by to talk twitter, some amazing fight stories, musatches, and why we were weird for a bit!

follow him @DPare

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

very happy glad excited to have long time comedy friend Diana Love on the show! We talk about growing up on the east coast, Canadian accents, nervous Tweeting, Donairs, and of course Comedy!

follower her @DianaLovesIt

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

It’s colder, my skin looks like beef jerky and entering and leaving a home takes an extra 15 minutes of winter boot application and removal time.

November was a great month, tons of fun shows, did some screen tests for some exciting TV things which I hope to god pans out- Also I’m very excited to announce I’ll be at the 2013 San Francisco Sketch/Comedy Festival in January! I’ll post the dates soon.

Currently I’m writing this in the arctic tundra that is Edmonton, I just landed this afternoon, ate, and now I’m gonna pass the shit out cause I’m tired….like “travel” tired though.

I don’t know why just travelling is so exhausting it’s not like I’m powering the plane with my body, all morning I’ve literally just sat in difference means of transportation while they moved- but some how I feel like I’ve just bench pressed a giant sack of expired roast beef.

Maybe planes are actually fueled by human skin cells and that’s why we’re all so exhausted after flights…uh I’m starting to sound insane…or like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory.

If you’re not too exhausted in December come see me at a show! Here’s the dates.

DECEMBER 7-8- Yuk Yuk’s Edmonton at the Century Casino- 8pm and 10pm

DECEMBER 9th- Going to Hell Sundays with Derek Sweet- Calgary- 8pm

DECEMBER 10th- Comedy Monday Nights- Calgary- 8pm

DECEMBER 12th- Jupiter Lounge Comedy with Eric Steele and Noor Kidwai- Calgary- 8pm

DECEMBER  13-15- Yuk Yuk’s Calgary at the Elbow River Casino- 8pm and 10pm

DECEMBER 18- The Rvioli Toronto- 9pm

DECEMBER 31- Hosting Bramptons Downtown New Years Eve Party at the Rose Theatre 

follow him @DavidHeti

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

follow him @DanielisWhite

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

two of my near dear comedy friends stop by to talk twitter bots, billiards tables, promo on Twitter, and running shows with some of the greatest Comedians on the planet!

follow Rob @RobLovesArguing

follow Topher @TopherHarrison

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

follow him @Nintendom

hosted @Matt_OBrien

No ones ever said that because November is a garbage month. There should be a shade of grey called “November grey”.
Try to think of something “November” and no doubt whatever you’re thinking is bathed in the grey apocalyptic glow of November.

October was a good, got to dress up like an idiot and get drunk on three separate Halloween occasions. One of which I was Al Borland from Home Improvement or as everyone that night thought “handy man” or “gay handy man” which also threw me off because I was basically dressed as myself with a tool belt on which made me a “gay ” handy man?
Maybe it was a half assed insult? I don’t know either way THIS gay handyman had a blast this Halloween.

Also Hurricane Sandy hit Toronto at the end of the month- I wasn’t too affected by it, didn’t lose power, I almost feel like Toronto wanted to be included in all the destruction and news around the event so we forced ourselves into it.

“oh hey New York is underwater? well…yeah that could happen here maybe….let’s all panic, hey everyone look over here we’re panicking too! Check out Canada!”

But I’m happy for the upcoming months, happy for all the people subscribing and enjoying my podcast and every happier if you come out to a live show, here’s what I have coming up in November!

Nov 1- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto- 8pm

Nov 2- Yuk Yuk’s Ajax- 9pm

Nov 3- Underground Comedy club- 9pm

Nov 8- 10- Yuk Yuk’s Ajax- 9pm

Nov 11- COCA regional showcase-

Nov 15- Vest of Friends at Comedy Bar- 9pm

Nov 17- The Comedy Machine- Crown and Tiger- 9pm

Nov 19- The Rvioli- 9pm

Nov 21- Niagara College- 9pm

Nov 22- Laughable at Unlovable- 9pm

Nov 24- Comedy at the Dominion hosted by Dave Martin- 9pm

Nov 27- Conestoga College- 9pm

Nov 30- Fundraiser in Guelph-

very excited to have this man on the show, Comedian, and Godfather of Canadian Comedy Podcasting Todd Van Allen risked his life through hurricane Sandy to talk Twitter wars, what it takes to stop hardcore Comedians, following back, and Todd mentions his dick twice.

follow him @HeyitsTVA

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

The hilarious Steph Tolev joins me to talk farts, twitter controversy, fainting and blood, bouncing audience members, and the worst first time sex story I’ve ever heard in my life.

follower her @StephTolev

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Music man and funny man rolled into one delightful package Nick Flanagan joins me to eat roti, talk Danko Jokes, one liner tweets, gaining followers, and we compare Todd Barry impressions.

follow him @TheFlans

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Super hunk Dylan Gott came by to talk Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, fruit diets, tweeting drunk, and drunk fighting while drunk, and being drunk!

follow him @DylanGott

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

this fiery Italian firecracker is one of my closest friends, I’m happy to know him, to see him on stage and even happier he could come by and talk trash about Google maps, Twitter creativity, tweet classes, and we have a special guest cameo by an NHL hockey player (I’m serious)

follow him @MrAlexPavone

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

If there’s one thing September has taught me it’s that carrot and pineapple juice in the morning is cleaning out my insides something fierce, and I’ve also made the conscious decision to cut down drinking for the month of October.

Some call it “Sober October” but I hate lifestyle changes that rhyme ( I can’t say it and not sound like a red bull fuelled sorority sister)

And it’s not that I think I have a serious problem or anything, I just think a month to cleanse from boozin’ would be done good great things for brain.

I’ve started getting into the habit of drinking before sets, not because of nerves or anything but just because I’m usually up later in shows and have nothing else to do.

I should start bringing puzzles to gigs  to keep myself occupyed while waiting for my set, instead I’ve resorted to polluting my insides and going up with a heavy buzz.

I’ve tried NOT drinking before sets lately and I LIKE how much more clear my thoughts are, I dont stumble through premises- I know it sounds like a simple solution “don’t drink before stand up ya dumb idiot”-but it’s hard man!

Clubs should stamp the hand of the Comedian when they come off stage to control drinking AFTER a set rather than before- it sounds juvenile but most Comedians are dumb kids as it is (myself included)-  I think Comedians could use a bit of guidance when it comes to drinking.

If you want to see THIS dumb big fat baby do stand up live in the month of October here’s some dates! And thanks again to everyone that’s downloading the podcast!

OCTOBER 1- THE RIVOLI

OCTOBER 2- FANSHAWE COLLLEGE

OCTOBER 6- COMEDY BAR

OCTOBER 7- YUK YUK’S TORONTO

OCTOBER 9- GEORGIAN COLLEGE

OCTOBER 11-13- YUK YUK’S VAUGHN

OCTOBER 14- THE LOWER OSSINGTON THEATRE

THIS man is a god damn riot and I’m very happy my near dear comedian friend Dave Merheje could come by and talk dots in tweets, slapping moons, condoms, and marketing…an extended detailed rant on marketing at the end. it’s a doozy!

follow him @DaveMerheje

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Great friend, Great Greek, and Great Comedian Tim Nasiopoulos comes by to talk about his real name, respond tweeting, the actual definition of rape, and being Schindler’s Priest!

Follow him @TimTellsJokes

Hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Stellar human, stellar Comedian, stellar Canadian Comedy Award Winner, Steve Patrick Adams is on the show we talk about Reddit, Graphs, Robocop, and notice how much he says “Oh” before things.

follow him @StevePAdams

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Star of Comedy Network, MTV, and many wonderful things, the many wonderful man Pat Thornton joins the show to talk politics, Mario Lopez, Chicken the dog, and Hang Bun

@PatThornton

hosted by @Matt_OBrien

Comedian and owner of the worst ever fishing story Rhiannon Archer joins the show as we talk about her hate for twitter, love of cats, and candied fish.

@RhiannonArcher

hosted by @matt_obrien

Very excited to begin September and begin touring colleges around Canada, partying with 18 year olds, realizing fist bumping is still alive, and being the oldest person in the room.

Here’s some dates you can check me out in September:

SEPTEMBER 3- Algoma University Sault Saint Marie

SEPTEMBER 5- Sault College, Sault Saint Marie

SEPTEMBER 6- The Comedy Bar, Toronto

SEPTEMBER 10- The Avro, Toronto

SEPTEMBER 11-St. Clair College, Windsor

SEPTEMBER 12- The Comedy Bar, Toronto

SEPTEMBER 17- The Comedy Bar, Toronto

SEPTEMBER 19- The Comedy Bar, Toronto

SEPTEMBER 20-22- Yuk Yuk’s Kitchener

SEPTEMBER 27- Algonquin College, Barrie

And also I just got confirmed that in December I’ll be touring Calgary and Edmonton so check back for those dates…but keep the month wide open just in case.

Also I’m working on a live version of my podcast ReHas# I’m bouncing around some ideas to make it more interactive with the crowd (live twitter feed, prizes for tweets etc.) nothing corny, but if you have any suggestions email me matt@mattobriencomedy.com I’d love to hear from you and THANK YOU to everyone who has been supporting the show so far, hopefully you can make it to a show in September and hopefully no one references the song “wake me up when September ends” by Green Day…ahhh I’ve become what I hate!

@TheMarkDebonis

Hosted by @Matt_OBrien

@BrookePerrin

Hosted by @Matt_OBrien

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follow her @juliacomedy

hosted by @matt_obrien follow the show @rehashcast

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the sweaty, smelly, juicy, cheesy, double meat patty with special sauce crack of god damn summer.

July was a great month, I launched my new podcast ReHas# (ReHash) which you should download and listen to, click HERE to do those things I just said

And I’m currently back in San Francisco until mid August seeing the sites and stuffing my face.

I recorded an interview with a pirate radio station in San Fran which was hilarious, mainly because this guy was on the wall and I wished to god he was a real person.

But judging on the glasses and moustache if he WAS real he’d probably just be like a boring IT guy at a law firm, or he spends 12 hours a day in coffee shops drinking rehydrated coffee infused soy bean green tea lattes reading popular books translated into Russian even though he doesn’t speak Russian…but a man can dream.  Some day I’ll have a glasses wearing dog with a goatee as a friend- let’s make it happen science.

Until science figures out hipster dogs please come see me live at any of the fine establishments below, and if you’re a college student odds are I’ll be coming to your campus in September and October- dates announced soon.

August 20- The Rivoli, Toronto 9pm

August 23, 24, 25- Yuk Yuk’s, Mississauga 9pm

August 28- Twitter Gong Show at The Rivoli, Toronto 9pm

follow Matt @matt_obrien and the Podcast @ReHashcast

CLICK HERE TO SUBSCRIBE

SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE click the picture below and check out the first episode with the hilarious Bob Kerr.  Thanks to everyone that has subscribed so far, it’s only the first episode and it’s only going to be more better and more twitterer.

June was great, I was in Montreal near the end performing for the College/University bookers of Canada at the COCA conference.

Im always in Montreal for short bursts so I feel I am obligated to eat as much poutine and smoked meat as I can….and I did, and my butt hurt shortly after.

We managed to get a flight back to Toronto, but the ride to Montreal we took Megabus.  Now the key to riding MegaBus is to be the first to get to the second level, and the very back, if all goes well there’s enough room for two people to lay down,  it’s like first class but it’s on a fart filled bus…and there’s no free champagne only the view of what seemed to be a pair of french prostitutes eating a stale hotdog that they brought on the bus themselves.

My Girlfriend and I also discovered the best way to deflect parents and their kids from sitting near you is to cough uncontrollably when they make eye contact…we had a close call so we resorted to plan B which was loudly saying “IF I HAVE TO SIT NEAR A KID I’M GOING TO GO CRAZY”

That worked even better.

Bottom line June was great, wanna thank Barry Taylor and Comedy Records for putting on some amazing NXNE shows and helping me prove to myself that I can survive four days of 4am last call in a row without having a seizure.

If you want to come see me in July here’s some dates, don’t be an idiot come to a show

JULY 5th- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto 8pm

JULY 6-7- Yuk Yuk’s Oakville 9pm

JULY 8- The Cloak and Dagger on College st. 8pm

JULY 9- Naughty Naddz in Mississauga 9pm

JULY 17- The Rivoli 9pm

JULY 18- Vapour Central 9pm

JULY 19- Sneeky Dee’s 9pm

Thursday, June 14 @ 10PM

Saturday, June 16 @ 9PM AND 11PM for the Twitter Gong Show

Passes are still available check out the NXNE website for details, it’s 4am last call all that week and I smell a beer and poutine fueled dance explosion a brewin’ in my loins

Been on the road a lot, recently in Ottawa our nations capital, enjoying the sites, the cleanliness, and the Hull Casino.

You really don’t know how many prostitutes exist in the world until you’re in a Casino.  I mean we all joke about hookers, call each other sluts and what not.  But once you see them up close, see them hangin off fat guys in suits swingin from slot machine to black jack tables like coke fueled spider monkeys, it gets real too fast.

Other than that I’m looking forward to JUNE, lots of great shows coming up, I start the month out in Niagara Falls from May 29-June 2nd so come by this week-end, let’s reenact the maid of the mist in my hotel room using bottled water, a ceiling fan, and a laundry basket.

JUNE 1, 2- Yuk Yuk’s Niagara Falls- 9PM

JUNE 4th- The Rivoli- 9PM

JUNE 14, 16- NXNE festival

JUNE 15- Stratford Legion Hall, Stratford Ontario-9PM

JUNE 18- The Rivoli

JUNE 21- Fundraiser for Mike Macdonald, The Annex Live- 9PM

JUNE 22- Comedy at the White Swan- 9PM

JUNE 25- COCA Showcase, Montreal Quebec-

JUNE 26- The Supermarket in Kensington-9PM

The festival was great, got to meet a lot of different amazing comics from across the states, the shows were full and some important people saw me so I’m very grateful for the opportunity.

I’m back in Toronto, energized to be back, but nursing one of the worst sun burns I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Let me start by saying I hate people that complain about sun burns and I realize I’m one of them.

It’s basically a self inflicted injury %99 of the time.  We always have some access to sun lotion unless we’re stranded, plane crash in the middle of no where, no water have to crawl across sand dunes for 8 hours to find help…then THAT sun burn is worth complaining about.

Not mine.

Mine is a product of the ONE sunny day I experienced in LA. The whole week was pretty cloudy and cold, but on the last day I had some time to kill before the flight, so me and m’lady went to Venice Beach which was getting blasted with sun.

Of course, we weren’t thinking, stripped off our clothes ran to the beach, I dug a hole and passed out in it.

Couple hours later I didn’t feel too bad, little hot, grabbed a beer on a patio, not taking any break from the sun.

It wasn’t until I got to the Airport, going through security when one of the TSA agents said to me “mmmm Boy you got some sun…what chu do to yourself?” (I’m not being stereotypical she talked like that)

I told her I foolishly passed out in a hole in Venice Beach with no lotion.  She then proceeded to laugh with her fellow TSA cackling “Boy you look like a roast chicken!”.

I then limped my deep fried legs into the airport terminal, donating a chunk of my self esteem to the women working the X-Ray bag machine.

I also learned something about sun burns…everyone has a better sun burn story than yours.

I mentioned it on stage last night, I had to, I had to tell people I am indeed NOT the host of Diners Drive Ins and Dives, I am burnt irish boy Matt O’Brien.

After the show groups of people proceeded to tell me how they’ve had worse sun burns, showing scars, pointing to areas around their genitals where the burn was, it was like Vietnam War Stories for drunken idiots.

But I’m alive and well, sore, and excited for May, if YOU want to come SEE me in May here are some of the bigger shows I have lined up.  Otherwise you can see me taking advantage of this burn dressing up as the devil and harassing people at Sunday masses.

MAY 1st- Comedy at Clinton’s- Toronto, On

MAY 4-5th- Yuk Yuk’s – London, On

MAY 11- Royal Canadian Legion, Chatham, On

MAY 12- Headlining Comedy Bar- Toronto, On

MAY 15- Aquila Slammers Keele and Dundas W- Toronto, On

MAY 17- The Annex Live, Bloor and Bruinswick- Toronto, On

MAY 24-25th- Yuk Yuk’s Ottawa Elgin St. Location, 9pm

MAY 26- Parry Sound one nighter don’t know the venue…the ONE bar there maybe?

MAY 29- TWITTER GONG SHOW AT THE RIVOLI

MAY 31-June 1, 2- Yuk Yuks – Nigara Falls, On

Made it to LA if you’re in town come check see me live at

The Actors Company 916a N.Formosa Ave
West Hollywood, CA

APRIL 21- 9PM

APRIL 22- 8PM

I’ll be doing other shows the rest of the week so if ya see me cruising down sunset blvd. barfing out the side of a dodge neon, say hi!

March was great, had a Birthday that I didn’t really care about, turned 27… which doesn’t really have a feeling, there’s no special occasion about a 27.  Not that I usually have a big hoopla over my Birthday.  I live a life style where I’m already in bars, pubs, and comedy clubs every day of the week so usually when my Birthday comes around if I want to change it up and go wild I’ll stay in…cause I never stay in.

It’s getting harder for me to just stay in and remain still, I can’t have more than an hour of not doing something. I envy real lazy people that say “man I just woke up at 5pm, watched 8 episodes of Walking Dead, then went back to sleep for another 22 hours”.

I don’t really envy it, I guess I just wish I could switch something in my brain that would hibernate me for 24 hours…is there anything around that allows that can make that happen?…like anything you can smoke that makes you not want to move for 24 hours?…sounds crazy right!?…..I guess what I’m saying is if you’re selling weed shoot me an email…or email me some weed.

Here’s some of my shows for April-oh! I forgot to mention I got into the LA Comedy Fest so if you’re in LA (and I know you are…I see ya there…you) come by the festival I’m very excited and very much wanting to eat In’n'Out Burger.

APRIL 1- Fundraiser at Phily McNastys Oakville

APRIL 3- The Central 8pm, Yuk Yuk’s Toronto 930pm

APRIL 5- Laugh Sabbath, Comedy Bar 9pm

APRIL 6- Chris Locke Show, Comedy Bar 930pm

APRIL 9- The Little Comedy Show that Could, The Avro 9pm

APRIL 11- Fox Uptown, Fox and Fiddle Keele and Finch 930pm

APRIL 16- Alt Dot Comedy at The Rivoli 9pm

APRIL 17- Twitter Gong Show, The Rivoli 9pm

APRIL 19-26 LA COMEDY FESTIVAL

APRIL 27-28 Yuk Yuk’s Mississauga 9pm

Oh yeah hey check out this outlet I found it’s gonna to puke!

Well, the time has come it’s edited up and ready for the public…I’m gonna puke, I think I’m more nervous for the airing of the show than the actual live performance. It will be online eventually but check out Comedy Network April 5th at 10pm to see the premiere!

I realize the internet is everywhere and I could have written a post, but you know when you’re away from home and you’re too focused on the fact that you’re in an unfamiliar place to focus on anything else…I say “You know” like YOU %100 have experienced this but in reality you might have no clue what I’m talking about…I also say YOU like I know who YOU are…

Who are you anyway? Email me and tell me I’m curious to know who’s reading my website. Comeon I won’t tell anyone, just message me your name and when I see it in my inbox I’ll know.

That in itself is kind of creepy I guess. “Just email me your name”. Not that I can find you and stalk you based on that alone. Unless you have a unique name, like your name is “Lenny Brawnsnaker of York Mills”…Then I’ll find ya no prob. ya know?

Anyway New York was great blah blah, got to do some great shows and finally get plugged into the scene down there.

I felt like I was doing Stand Up where Stand Up was created.  Like when Frankensteins monster found Frankensteins lab…only instead of a Frankenstein monster it’s dick and poo jokes.

Very glad to be back in Toronto, here’s some shows I’ve got coming up YOU should come, whoever YOU are.

MARCH 2-3   Hamilton Yuk Yuk’s

MARCH 5th-  Eastville Comedy Club NY

MARCH 7th- Fat Baby Comedy NY

MARCH 8th- New York Comedy Club NY

MARCH 9th- Stand Up NY NY

MARCH 15th Skinny Jeans Comedy show at Comedy Bar

I don’t know if I’ve ever wore flip flops to buy gatorade at a 7/11 and broke a sweat in January before.  No complaints, snow can suck all the dicks.

Apparently we we’re blasted by giant Solar Flares mid month, so maybe that has to do with it? I’m the type of person who reads that article and thought I was getting a headache because of solar flares. I don’t know if that’s a decent enough excuse to call in sick to work, “I’m getting blasted by solar flares over here I can’t come in”.

I’ve managed to avoid any major seasonal sickness, and I went to the dentist for the first time in 7 years!

Apparantly your supposed to go every 6 months? I stopped going because I never have anything wrong with me, I spend an hour or two getting sprayed, sucked, stabbed, x-rayed and the Doc always says the same thing, “you’re doing good, just floss more”.

Apparantly she also misheard me at the beginning of the appointment when I said “just a check up and a clean.” What she heard was “Please drain all the blood out of my mouth a head through my gums.”
So I guess I should speak up a bit more. My fault.

Here’s some shows in February you should come check out…ya should!…comeon think about it and get back to me…keep reading though the dates are coming…ohhh they are coming…

FEB 2, 3, 4- YUK YUK’S OAKVILLE

FEB 10-  TEXAS COMEDY MASSACRE TORONTO

FEB 23- LEGENDS TAP HOUSE- Paris, Ontario

FEB 24- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto with Gilbert Gottfried

FEB 27- COMEDY CABARET  at The Charlotte Room

FEB 29- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto 8pm

December was a hell’ova month, the holidays are done and people are no longer using the “see ya next year” joke EVERYONE says at the end of December.

I feel like thats the reason I got into stand-up, I noticed everyone using the template conversation starters, holiday jokes, stories about their kids, everyone grabs a phrase out of the generic talk bag and everyone starts to sound the same.

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing I’m saying it’s refreshing to hear comics with a voice, with originality, and interesting views on everyday topics that you won’t hear everyday.

I’m not saying we comics are better than everyone else, I’m saying if you’re sick of hearing the same generic conversation shit go hang out at a fuckin comedy show ya cocksucker hoople head!

I’ve been watching a lot of Deadwood lately.  Ya know that HBO show that was on years ago?

lotsa swearing, lotsa old west grit, lotsa whiskey shots.

If anyone asks you to “drink like they do in Deadwood” one night it’s best not to try.  I learned the hard way, woke up feeling like a hat full of smashed ass holes.  They drink so much in the show because it’s likely ice tea…I’m an adult and I should know the difference between TV and reality…but it just looks so cool!

Which I think sometimes when I’m watching the show, how cool it’d be to live in the old west, no technology horse riding all that jazz.  Whiskey buzzed struttin down the thoroughfare, one hand resting on the pistol the other wrapped around the waist of a dame. sounds cool, looks cool.

But then I think about it on other levels.  Walking around in the same long johns all day every day, no running water, shitting in a hole in an outhouse, pissing in bed pans in the corner of the room, one doctor in a town of hundreds…no ice?…I don’t think there’s ice.

I think I’d be fine with it as long as there was a fully functional modern bathroom, flushing toilet running water shower…then I think I could do it.

I take a lot of pride in a nice bathroom.  not nice like clean…but a toilet with a good solid flush, and a shower with a good flow…it can make or break a day.  I’ll bet Lee Harvey Oswald just needed a shit and a shower and he would’ve forgotten about all that assassination stuff.

What I’m trying to say is HERE are my shows coming up in January come have a laugh and let’s talk about Deadwood.

JAN 3RD- FANSHAWE COLLEGE- LONDON, ONT

JAN 4TH- YUK YUK’S – TORONTO

JAN 7- YUK YUK’S – KITCHENER 

JAN 9- THE RIVOLI- TORONTO

JAN 13-14- YUK YUK’S- HAMILTON

JAN 18- COMEDY BAR- TORONTO

JAN 24- CENTENNIAL COLLEGE- TORONTO

JAN 26- ROAST OF Y108 ROCK- HAMILTON

This was my first real person vacation since doing stand up- I’ve never gone that long without doing some kind of a set and I was going to take advantage of that, being in the middle of no where, away from all the open mics.  A time to focus and meditate…which meant drinking until I got diarrhea.

I was anxious to get back, glad I’m back, because the Christmas season has begun- and here’s what I’ve got going for the Jingle Jangle Month of December.

DEC. 6- Liar Liar Toronto Edition (Host)- The Rivoli 

DEC. 7- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto- 8pm

DEC. 9-10 – Godrich Private Event

DEC 12- Comedy at the Avro – 9pm

DEC 13- Aquilla Slammers – 9pm

DEC 14- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto- 8pm

DEC 16- London Ont. Private Event AND Burly Calling in Burlington

DEC 17- Stars of CockTales at the Comedy Bar- 9pm

DEC 18- Comedy Records at Clintons Tavern - 9pm 

DEC 28- JAN 1- Yuk Yuk’s Ottawa and Yuk Yuk’s Ottawa Prescott New Years Eve Party

So Happy Holidays and hope you can make it out to a show…comeon…bring the family…bring the cat…not the dog.

It’s been a busy couple of months, my Comedy Now taping went really well thanks again to everyone that came out I have no idea when it’s going to air so just leave your TV on the Comedy Network for the next few months and I may or may not show up.

Here’s some of the bigger shows happening in the next two months come check out a show if you can I’d love to see you. I’d love you and care for you and we’d melt in an evening of kisses and cuddles by a lit fire in a cabin on top of a mountain I don’t yet know of, in a country that hasn’t been discovered…join me?

NOVEMBER 2- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto

NOVEMBER 4- The Port Collingwood

NOVEMBER 5- The Comedy Lounge Toronto

NOVEMBER 9-Yuk Yuk’s Toronto

NOVEMBER 9- Occupy Toronto Fundraiser at La Revolucion

NOVEMBER 15- XM Canada’s Next Top Comic Gala at Yuk Yuk’s Toronto (SOLD OUT)

NOVEMBER 16- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto

NOVEMBER 17- West End Girls at the Poor John’s Theatre

NOVEMBER 21- LIVE Broadcast at the Alt Dot Comedy Lounge Rivoli

NOVEMBER 23- Yuk Yuk’s Toronto

NOVEMBER 24- Tequila Bookworm Comedy Night

NOVEMBER 26- Johnny Eh’s Peterborough 

And for the last week I’ll be at a wedding in Mexico with m’lady…still not sure WHO is getting married but expect me to come back with a few “I pee’d all over it” stories.

The past month I’ve done the most travel for comedy so far in my life, we just wrapped up a tour of the entire east coast of Canada and then I got home with enough time to shit and shower in my own place (a feeling unlike anything out there) and then I took an early flight out to California.

I was out in Cali for a month last year and I loved it.  The weather, the people were great, everything’s fresh and new…like a new pair of socks and gotchies, it was refreshing.

Going back I got the same feeling, luckily this trip I had alot of my gigs planned out already because I was invited to preform in the San Francisco Comedy Competition.

Like most Comedians I’d say that Comedy dosen’t belong in a competition.

I’ll never understand how you can put a number on a laugh, or score how funny something is.  I always thought if it was funny, it’s funny.

But regardless of my prior opinion the guys running the competition were great, very organized, very experienced and a huge support so I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

The comp has alot of history, almost all the comedy big cats have competed Robin Williams, Doug Stanhope, Louis C.K.

So flying down I had very little planned ahead, I was planning on couch surfing some people I knew down there maybe staying in a hostel, I brought a sleeping back with me on the plane incase I needed to sleep in a park…which I would’ve…but I dunno how funny you can be after sleeping in the dirt for a few hours.  People would probably throw canned goods and change at you on stage and offer you hot meals your whole set.

Luckily a couple of comedy pals were in the comp too, my pal John Hastings, and gal pal Christina Walkinshaw.

I booked a rental car ahead of time, grabbed those two jackamos at the airport and day one was on the road.

Christina’s dad had a bunch of traveller points saved up so she managed to get us a free hotel for day one just outside the gig which was beautiful, my original plan was to commute from San Fran for each gig which would have blown a goat because almost all these gigs were at least an hour away.

The first gig was at Sonoma State University in the heart of Napa Valley.  The drive was scenic and I felt very underdressed for the area.  I expected to see a couple in a romantic comedy montage frolicking through the grape fields any second.

The theatre at the University was amazing, the crowd was the most supportive crowd I’ve ever preformed in front of. There was 16 comics and they clapped just as hard from beginning to end, didn’t get tired, I’ve NEVER seen that before.

All the comics were great, although I didn’t make the top five night one I hovered around the middle of the group score wise.   Everyone was pretty even scored the entire tour, the scoring between the last comic and first was decimal points away so there was no time to relax.  Not like I usually relax, I’m pretty squirrelly before shows.

Being in the middle also reminded me of my grades all through high school, I was always the class average, never above, never below, whatever the average of the class was I’d be it.  I tried to break this trend of average in College and managed to get honour roll at graduation, and I really wanted to make an effort to not finish this competition as “the average” score…a separate “me” goal that I set for myself.

The next day it was back on the road up to Black Oak Casino which is near Yosemite National Park, tucked in the woods of Northern California.

We checked into the Aladin motel (which was actually pretty nice and less rape-y then expected).

The show was in the Casino lounge which ment preforming facing a crowd and also busy slot machines and card tables, there was alot going on and I’m pretty easily distracted.

Also you could smoke inside…I havn’t smoked in months almost a year but for some reason because you CAN I wanted to and did.  Not like I’d want to do it all the time it was just weird being able to smoke inside so I did it like it was some separate attraction the casino was offering.

The crowd was a little thin, less energy, maybe because they just lost a shit heap on the slots and wanted a cheering up.  That night I managed to break my average score and make the top 5 which chalked off a personal goal for myself.

After wasting 20 bucks in a slot machine we grabbed some food and had some drinks back at the hotel with some of the other comics. 

The next day it was back on the road heading to Lodi preforming at the Hutchins Square Theatre.

We booked another motel, the show was great but like all sets during this competition it was very tense, no one was ever relaxed.

That night especially was a “TV Clean” night so no swearing no dick jokes, it had to be a “Letterman quality” set which had all of us asking dumb questions like “instead of shit can I say poop”  or “can I say weed and Pokemon in the same sentence?”.

Getting back to the motel we also discovered getting drunk and tweeting about everything passed the time beautifully here’s an example of what we did that night.

The next day I made us go out of the way to get cheese cake pancakes at iHop, cause they’re disgusting but the greatest shit ever.  We also continued our trend of sitting beside crying yelling kids in restaurants.  There should be a kids meal full of sleeping pills option at every food establishment.

From Lodi, we were finally preforming in San Francisco at The Marsh.

Walkinshaw got us another hotel deal right downtown and we all took an afternoon to ourselves and strolled around town.

I took a solo walk down to Fishermans Wharf which I thought was close…but now I understand that iPhone maps are different for every city and it took me 3 hours.

I walked through some of the roughest and nicest neighbourhoods I’ve ever encountered, San Fran doesn’t know what it wants to be, scary as shit or super trendy.   And it’s not like there are designated areas of crazy just all of a sudden you’ll hit a block that is a nightmare and then the next block is Starbucks and Apple Stores.

I had a guy come up to me and grab me and say “I’ll bet you a buck I can guess where you got your shoes!” and out of boredom and also that fact that the guy scared the shit out of me I gave him a chance to guess.  He went on this long conveluted rhyme about new orleans and tobasco sauce…finally ending with “you know where you got those shoes???….on your feet in San Francisco, congratulations son.”

I had to give him the dollar he got me.

The show that night at the Marsh was an intimate crowd, very tight and not an easy laugh, they made you work for it which I like.

I didn’t like my set that night, and along with all the stress and all the pressure I had to get out of there and get a drink.

I strolled around the Mission District until I saw a bar labeled “BAR”, and there was a guy sitting at the end of the bar top looking at his cell phone and crying and I thought “perfect place to get drunk”.

And I did…and then WE did, everyone from the show showed up and we got tanked- I don’t remember this part but apparently I ran down Lombard street hammered, and didn’t fall once which the locals were amazed by.

So the next day I powered through one of the worst hang overs of my entire life, and we made the cruise to Santa Cruz to preform at the Crows Nest.

The competition was still really tight it was really anyones game who could go on.

The show was packed the venue was great, they fed us, got us drinks and even after a great set (some told me the best one of the night) I didn’t move on to the next round (according to the scoring I lost out by decimal points which I didn’t feel too bad about).

The competition was the most stressful/greatest thing I’ve ever been a part of, all the comics were amazing I feel like I’m coming back to Canada a stronger act with a few emotional calluses- Next up I’ll be taping my first ever TV special at the Masonic Temple for the Comedy Network on October 29th- More details to come, and speaking of come you BETTER…come…to the taping…come!

Both great shows, we were definitely at the end of our ropes health wise, and fart wise…our butts were workin over time on all the gross road food we’d been eating not to mention the millions of beers.

We made the long trek on the way home stopping in Montreal for the Saturday night, Barry and K Trev did the “Liar Liar” show put on by Sasha Manoli, I have a previous blog about it, it’s a really fun show were you tell three stories and the crowd has to guess which ones the lie.

I wasn’t on the show I got up at the Comedy Works,  and got to eat a big bastard of a smoked meat sandwich at Dunn’s.

After our final night in Montreal it was FINALLY a drive back to Toronto, for a bit of a rest…but not much because I’m currently writing this blog update in California because I flew out when I got home to participate in the San Francisco Comedy Competition!

I’ll be honest with ya…I’m pretty exhausted, but between the tour and the NEW tour here in California I feel like I’m making some solid progress in the world of comedy joking.

First show of the Competition is in Sonoma State University tucked away in the heart of Napa Valley wine country…I don’t have any jokes about grapes but I do have a beard and that’s gotta count for something.

I’m sure it’s nice but it was sunny the whole drive and the second we pull in the town looks like Silent Hill.

If you’re reading this and I’m eaten by zombies just know that I died doing what I love…being eaten by zombies.

Last night we preformed at Holland College, they put us up in one of their lecture halls and installed a BAR in the back of it specially for the show…at least I assumed…unless every lecture hall there has a bar in the back, then they’ll see me again applying for classes next semester.

Tonight we’re in the home stretch we preform at UNB in Saint John and I make my last valiant attempts at trying to find a sailor to arm wrestle without being offered a round of gay sex.

If there’s anything I’ve learned this tour, it’s that I’ll sleep anywhere.

I used to be a picky sleeper but this tour has taught me to sleep cramped in backs of cars, sitting in a ferry terminal, and crappy rapey looking hotel rooms.

We made the hike to PEI, across the Confederation Bridge and into Charlotte town.

It doesn’t really feel like an island when you’re there.  There should be exotic plants and weird coloured bushes and stuff… or it should have like a theme…every island should have a running theme like candy apple island, big boob island, gravey island…

We spent the afternoon hangin around the motel, got a bite to eat and I made the mistake of ordering a fajita at the motel restaurant.

Our first meal in PEI…should be seafood…but no no…I decide mexican is a dish they’ve likely mastered.

ME: “I’ll have the fajita please.”

SERVER: “you want soy sauce with that, love?”

ME:”….yes… (i’m not sure you know what I ordered)”

regardless it was the best soy sauce soaked fajita I’ve ever had.

That night we were at UPEI, a little bit of a smaller crowd than the other schools but it was easily one of the funnest of the tour.  It basically felt like we were just hanging out with them, really relaxed, and then after they wanted us to host their bingo night… which at first I was all mr. cool “na I don’t wanna do this”…but it was actually a blast.

Big thanks to the student union at UPEI for putting everything together and for getting us bags of pop corn with 5 different flavour shakers…5 god damn shakers! unheard of.

After another resto relaxo in Canada’s Best Value (the real name of the motel) we hopped on the ferry to Nova Scotia and drove up to Cape Breton.

It was a long drive but it was totally worth it the show was great, the CBU crowd is a great time, and they love to party.

Our buddy from Toronto Nick Beaton came by and did some time, he moved back to Cape before he moves out to London England this Friday, he’s a hilarious guy check out one of his clips below.

We learned about a near by town called “Meat Cove” which is famous for their high levels of incest…a more appropriate and disgusting town name I’ve never heard.

 I think all gross small towns should be called meat coves…Oshawa or Hamilton could be a meat cove…Barry said its the best code name for a vagina and I’d have to agree. Meat Cove.

Back on the road this morning heading BACK to PEI on the ferry preforming at Holland College, then Saint Johns, Fredericton, Montreal and then home to fall over for a two days and off to San Francisco.

Despite exhaustion I’m very grateful and loving every second of this.

We’ve reached the half way point of the tour, one more week left and it feels like it’s already been a month.

On Saturday I got to stop by Yuk’s Halifax to do a guest spot and hang out with my pals Mark Debonis and Tim Nasiopoulos. It’s a great club in the Westin hotel, staff was very friendly thanks to Brian for hooking me up with a spot- here’s Mark being dumb about pharmacists.

Also apparantly their hotel room was haunted…I didn’t witness anything first hand but Tim said he kept getting logged out of Facebook on his laptop…which of course means…their room is absolutely haunted.
I feel like this is the beginning of new age ghost stories,
“…and then he pulled to the hotel and he got an email from his wife but there WAS NO wi-fi or 3G!”

I imagine ghosts are always looking for new ways to scare people, the ghosts that still do the door slams and floating books are probably called “hacks” in ghost social circles.

Sunday was a day off and we had some time to hang out with our pals Bryant Thompson and Mike Macqueen of “The Bring Back Swayzes”. They’re a comedy music duo I met in Toronto when I first started, they are a god damn riot here’s a clip of one of there songs check these guys out.

We woke up refreshed…well kind of…K Trevs snoring is getting louder, it’s kind of like sleeping beside a coffee grinder thats raping a family of tigers.

The next week of our tour is going to be a doozy.
We’re in Charlotte town PEI now, heading to Cape Breton Tomorrow, then BACK to PEI at Holland College, then off to Saint Johns NB, Fredericton NB, and last stop Montreal.

tonight we’re at UPEI, and apparently Elton John is also playing tonight on the island…I emailed him to see if we could open but his manager hasn’t gotten back to me.

We had a day off to hang out in Halifax with our pals Mark Debonis and Tim Nasiopoulos and HANG we did.

When people think about a bunch of comedians on tour they always tell me “oh man you guys must be going nuts out there! the things you get into you crazy comedians I’d hate to see those hotel rooms!”

The reality is, on our day off we strolled down the Halifax pier, had a coffee, and went book shopping…then we stayed in the room and played video games all night and drank beer. Whoa we’re outta control!

We’re not rock stars, we can be as lame as any other jackamo out there.

We did see a condom geniusly placed beside a security sticker on the window of the book store.

The morning after we headed out to Antigonish to preform at STFX.

They had us preforming at the Keating Millenium Centre, and by the way the whole campus looked like a cross between Basketball Diaries and Gone with the Wind meets the White House it was beautiful… maybe too beautiful for fart and dick jokes but everyone had a great time anyway the show was a blast.

Big thanks to Aaron Norris and the rest of the STFX crew for treating us so well and giving us a case of beer in our dressing room, how’d they know we like beer? Amazing.

Today we head back to Halifax, I’m doing a guest spot at the Halifax Yuk Yuk’s with my pals Mark Debonis and Tim Nasiopoulos.

Next stop is UPEI, Cape Breton, then BACK to PEI…I’m for sure getting drivers butt after the next few days of travel.

The show at Mount Allison was another amazing one, they shacked us up at Convocation Hall and filled it, big thanks to the the MTA student committee for putting everything together.

The night before we were treated the night before to free passes to Joel Plaskett, I’ll be honest I didn’t know who the hell he was but he was awesome and this is a total sober and not a drug induced opinion which means it’s golden.

After the concert however the three of us were rocketed into a classic east coast bender which crippled us the morning after.

All we remember is being the oldest guys at the bar, Barry struggling to stand, and then I did a round of push ups in the middle of the single intersection in Sackville.

I was reminded of small town tough guy mentality when two goons emerged from out of the bushes and challenged me that they could do more street push ups then me.

I was just drunk, but these guys took it personally. No one does 4am street push ups in their town and they wanted to take the title back.

Having lived in Peterborough Ontario for a few years I knew how to talk down a shit faced meat head, and instead talked them into coming to the comedy show the next night.

So now we’re back in Halifax for the night, off to Anitgonish tomorrow at Saint FX, so for tonight we’re going to cruise around the pier looking for sailors to arm wrestle.

Also we’ve discovered that Barry Taylor looks like a baby fawn.

I’ve been doing comedy for about 4-5 years now, I’ve preformed in all kinds of pubs, schools, I did stand-up in a drive way once in front of a pontiac vibe with no mic. But last night we had almost 800 people in the gymnasium of SMU, it was unreal.

I’m used to getting the crowd into the show, maybe that’s the curse of the open mic comedy scene, you assume the crowds not already into the show and all they want to do is plow chicken wings into their face, but this wasn’t the case, these people came for a show.

It was extremely refreshing the students were fuckin amazing, and the people that ran the show were very accommodating I can’t thank the staff at SMU enough.

We wrapped up and headed out today for Sackville about 3 hours away from Halifax staying in a motel thats just called “motel”.

It looks like in the next few days we’ll either have to solve or fall victim to some kind of murder mystery.

Trevs too nice to murder, I’m too lazy, Barry’s too weak, my money’s on the mustached woman working at the front desk.

Next show is Mount Allison.

With time to spare we waited around the Halifax airport to pick up K Trev. And I witnessed several people buying whoppers for Breakfast at the airport Burger king, I’ve never seen this move before, breakfast was available but people were smashing whoppers into their faces like it was just announced they cure depression and E.D.

Usually when I see people order whoppers it’s with a shamed head down, muttered order under a soft regretful breath, but people were proudly ordering these gut bombs with a pointed arm and confidence…east coast people know exactly what they want I respect that…but I feel sorry for the janitors having to clean up the aftershock of bathroom whopper blasts.

The first show at MSVU was a blast, we had about 250 people in an auditorium, Barry hosted, K Trev Headlined with me opening.

Trev took his time back stage warming up as he does.

Big thanks to the Frosh peeps at MSVU for hooking everything up it was stupid fun.
We went out after had about 7 table top draft beer towers and had my first donair of the tour APPARENTLY at the place where they invented donair sauce, King of Donair.

If you’ve never had donair it’s just a bunch of shaved mystery meat covered in garlic icing and tomato and wrapped in a soggy pita…sounds like a disaster, and for some reason it’s good I don’t think anyone knows how or why.

It tastes like eating roast beef shoved in a birthday cake.

don’t knock it till you try it.

Today we head to St. Mary’s U in Halifax still and we’re preforming with the hilarious Pete Zedlacher

It’s day one and me and Barry Taylor are starting out to Halifax…we’re driving…in a two door Honda Civic. It’s about a 20 hour drive through the night despite flashing “moose crossing” signs littered across the Trans Canada Highway.

Really the signs aren’t needed if I see a moose I’m not gonna blast through it like “I didn’t see no sign!”, if I see a moose I’ll promptly shit my pants and try to avoid best I can…I think there was a myth busters episode on this…I’ll study up we’ll see what happens.

Last year those really freaked me out, I don’t know how fast moose run but there was a solid 7 hours of driving where I thought I was going to be covered in moose guts at any second.

The other gentleman on the tour, K Trevor Wilson, will be meeting us out there, that lucky bugaloo gets a flight from Ottawa to Halifax that gets in tomorrow morning.

Our first stop on the tour is Mount Saint Vincent University- they were a blast last year and it looks like the shows going to be even bigger this year. Apparently it’s like 3-1 women at this school which was evident last year, any tampon related material received thunderous applause, and a “men are real bags of shit sometimes” line could get a standing O.

They had a house party for us last year and I met a guy who claimed to have been on Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel…I had no information to try and prove him wrong so I took his east coast honesty at %100. Also I spent alot of the party high out of a my banana tree playing with a cat…man that cat was the best…I’m excited to see that little son of a bitch again.

My goal last year was to arm wrestle a sailor and I didn’t fulfill, this year I promise I will have documented proof of me arm wrestling a captain no matter how embarrassing my upper body strength appears.

Well it’s time to hit the road, I’m also not trimming my beard the whole tour here’s where I’m starting out.

Already bushman I know, so you can imagine when I get back I’ll look like the ultimate disaster face.

follow me on twitter for even LIVE-R updates http://www.twitter.com/matt_obrien

It’s been a busy month, had some laughs, claps, tears, pukes, bleeds, farts, and poops, but it’s all par for the course. Here’s whats comin up in August and September.

EVERY Wednesday you can see me at Yuk Yuk’s Toronto but if you can’t make any of those here’s some dates for August you should come by:

on Friday AUGUST 5th I’ll be headlining the House Of Comedy in Niagara falls with my pals Monty Scott and Nicholas Reynoldson, really looking forward to it I’ll be stretching my stage legs in preparation for my Comedy Now taping in October.

AUGUST 6TH I’ll be at Yuk Yuk’s Hamilton doing a middle spot if you’re around and the Hamilton depression hasn’t crippled you into a ball on your bathroom floor, come have a laugh.

AUGUST 8 I’ll be at the Rivoli, easily one of the best alternative comedy shows in town come check it out and click the image below for show listings.

AUGUST 9th Comedy at Czehoski is back big time, I’ll be hosting another ridiculous line up of Comedians, each show has been getting bigger and bigger and I thank everyone that has come out so far sincerely, tell your pals and let’s have another doozy.

AUGUST 13th I’ll be at WEMF in South Algonquin in a small town called Madawaska, Ontario. It’s a HUGE techno music festival and at dead centre Comedy Records will have a stage telling jokes while people struggle to decipher if we’re real or if we’re shrum/MDMA induced hallucinations.

AUGUST 28th you can catch my debut at the Legendary Nubian Show at the Yuk Yuk’s Toronto. I’m really excited for this show, it takes months/years to get on click the link below to check it out.

AUGUST 30th is a different type of show, I’ll be a judge at the first ever TWITTER GONG SHOW at the Rivoli, present by Mark Debonis. Basically we get random acts, they preform whatever they got, and the audience comments via a giant projector screen behind them LIVE on Twitter. Too many negative tweets and me and the rest of the Judges will gong you. Sounds mean but trust me it’ll be a good time, if you want to preform send me an email and I’ll try to get you a spot, if not just come by and watch. On your death bed you’ll want to be able to say you went to at least ONE Twitter gong show- matt@mattobriencomedy.com-

So that’s August…September is shaping up to be busy, I’ll be back on Tour from Sept 4-16th with the Comedy Records crew cruising around the Colleges and Universities of the East Coast. Extremely pumped, it was a lot of work last year and it looks like it’s paying off we have more schools, more shows, here’s what we have so far.

Sept 4 – Mount Saint Vincent University
Sept 5 – St Mary’s
Sept 7 – Acadia
Sept 8 – Mount Allison College
Sept 9 – STFX
Sept 12 – UPEI
Sept 13 – Cape Breton
Sept 14 – Holland College
Sept 15 – UNB – St John
Sept 16 – UNB – Fredricton

AND ALSO in September I’ll be heading back to San Francisco to represent Toronto, and Canada at the San Francisco International Comedy Competition from Sept 21-Oct 9. This is a huge honour, past participants include Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, Ellen DeGeneres, Louis C. K.

So that’s it…if you can come out to any of those shows do it up! There will be more on the horizon but just know there’s alot of great comedy shows poppin up all over the place, if you can’t make mine go see a live show near you and support the scene.

Also watch Game of Thrones – that show is bananas.

Right now I’m in Ottawa at Yuk Yuk’s Prescott hosting for Mike MacDonald. The guy’s a legend in comedy he’s been on Letterman and has done Just for Laughs 25 times, all the shows sold out the week-ends goin insane.

on July 12th I’ll be hosting another Comedy At Czehoski with a killer line up click the poster to join the event

BUT most importantly…I would LOVE you to come to the COMEDY BAR July 14th 8PM I’ll be headlining a show in preparation for my Comedy Now special filming this fall for CTV. I’ll be doing about 45 minutes of material maybe an hour but I’d love to see some pals in the crowd- click the poster and join the event.

and then on July 15th me and the crew from Comedy Records will be at WARPED TOUR in Mississauga and we’ll also be at WEMF festival August 13th click on the logo for more details below

on the toob side COCKTALES with be premiering on July 18th on MTV, and be on the look out for more episodes of VIDEO ON TRIAL starring myself and other great comics coming up in the next month. Also theres a Mike’s Hard Lemonade commercial I’m in floating around the networks I’ll post videos of all these as I find them, or if you happened to record them send over a link.

There’s more smaller shows sprinkled in July join my Facebook page for more up to date….dates…up…date…dates…Join the page!

Shows are going steady, I just filmed a second episode of “CockTales” which will be airing on MTV this summer and I’ve managed not to make a complete ass out of myself…so far…who knows what will come out in editing I’ll post the times and dates when it airs and we can all make fun of the way I cross my legs on national television.

ALSO on JUNE 11 me and the rest of the Comedy Records crew will be recording our first ever DVD at The Drake Hotel on Queen st. The night is a big deal with big deal people present so click the poster and join the event

Also another night at Czehoski hosted and produced by myself is on and on till the break of dawn June 14 click the poster you know the drill!

and lastly also that week Comedy Records will be a part of the NXNE music festival we’ll be preforming all week-end and I’ll be hosting the Saturday show you gots to believe I’ve got a poster and event you gots to click on.

So this month is looking to be pretty exciting if you’re not in the area of any of those shows subscribe to my pod cast and give it a listen…people have told me it’s a good time there’s comedian guests and on occasion we talk about relevant news stories in between fart poop and dick jokes. click the poster below to subscribe for FREE.

BUT enough about me tell me about you…I’m listening…

Coming up May 19th I’ll be opening for Judah Friedlander at The Second City in Toronto-10pm-Tickets at the door $30-He’s the star of one of my favorite movies of all time Wet Hot American Summer and 30 Rock.

If you havn’t seen the movie watch it…if you don’t think it’s funny watch it again you’re an idiot it’s hilarious.

Last year when I was in Vegas I thought I saw Judah in the Palms Casino, he was with a lady that looked like his grandma and I went stumbling across the casino falling over craps tables to say hi to him which he replied
“yeah, K man”.

To this day I don’t know if it was him for sure but either way I hope he dosen’t recall what happened. I remember it was minutes after I went into the tattoo shop of the Palms and got a quote for an “LV” tattoo on my ankle they were going to charge me $300 for.

What I’m trying to say is after Judah I’ll probably be drunk so come by and let’s make some stories…and also watch the show…pay for a ticket before watching that’d be the ideal situation. Click on the poster to join the event-More big news comin up but I’m tuckered out.

Here’s my funny YoutTube thing of the day-I’ve always wanted to try this but I’ve always hated things rocketed into my face.

ALSO let it be KNOWN that our record label COMEDY RECORDS will be a part of the NXNE music festival in Toronto this year-this is a huge deal so click the label below to join the fan page so you can “LIKE” it on Facebook.

I know it sounds lame saying “LIKE my things on Facebook” but it’s the sad truth of what has to been done to promote a business. All I want is for people to join the cause of havin a laugh, at this point if someone said “fingering a shit filled pizza pocket daily in front of your oldest living relatives will get you thousands of people aware of your business” I would do it…am I a whore to business? No way, I think this label is a big deal not only for the people involved but for the public.

It’s the first ever Comedy devoted record label in Canada…First…none other before it…a label devoted to laughing…laughing being happiness…comeon who wouldn’t want to be dudes dishin out happy…more and more of this makes us sound like drug dealers…and MOST of us arn’t! so please LIKE the page, check out the website BUY the album on iTunes and let’s all be happy and do some drugs.

I’ve got alot of big news in the last two weeks the biggest is that I’ll be filming my first Live broadcast comedy special for Comedy Now! in September at the MTV Masonic Temple theatre.

A few months back I was lucky enough to have a scout in the audience at Absolute Comedy in Toronto and also lucky enough that they liked me enough to give me a special, this is a huge huge honour for me, I hadn’t planned on getting a special this early in my career but I know I’m ready for it, I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and I can’t wait to do the show. Thanks to my friends and family that supported me in this ridiculous career choice, and thanks to anyone who let me talk shit on their stage.

Also TV and shit talking related; I’ll be on a new MTV show called “CockTales” starting in May, we just filmed the first episode hopefully more if people watch, basically the show is 4-5 guys sitting around a table telling stupid stories… it’s The View with shit and dick stories…at least the shit and dick stories YOU want to hear about… It was a riot to film hopefully it looks good on TV so watch it if you’re channel surfing and see my big ugly mug spewed across your screen.

Another big thing which I’m hoping you (the reader and love of my life) will attend, I’m competeing in the Yuk Yuk’s Great Canadian Laugh Off this Saturday April 23rd at 10:30- it’s the pre semi finals…I think…it’s the 3rd last round of shows as far as I know…either way the grand prize is $25,000 in the end, even if I don’t get that far it’s good to be a part of and even better to watch some of the best comics in the country compete so come check it out and if I win…I’ll be honest…you’ll get no money…I’ll buy you a drink if you mention this blog post to me…at least… I’ll at LEAST buy you a drink you took the time to read my written word…that’s huge.

I’ll bet if you went up to Danielle Steel and said “hey I read one of your steamy sex romp of a horn dog books” she’d at least buy you a drink…or bang you…I’ve never read her books but her wikipedia page would imply she has a sexual appetite that could bring down a fighter jet.

So come check out a show you guys and follow me on Twitter for show updates and to satisfy my crave for constant attention.

- and I’ll end with the funny youtube thing of the day I found- ladies and gentlemen you gotta take kareoke seriously otherwise what the fuck are we doing here-

I trotted over to the bathroom in the middle of the night…naked…like I’m talking buck naked…like the MOST naked a person could be…naked…..naaaaaaked…you’ve been picturing me naked this whole time.

Moving on I was walking to the bathroom naked, thank god I live alone and have no roommates-lights on door wide open stood there and took a classic Matt O’Brien pee.

It’s the middle of the night so I’m trying not to open my eyes too much otherwise the light gets in and I can’t easily get back to sleep…also the sight of my bulgy naked body urinating is reflected in the mirror which is more encouraging to keep my eyes closed.

As I’m standing there during this extended pee, I propped my right leg up on the rim of the toilet bowl, elbow on the knee…kind of like the thinker…the thinker if he were thinking while standing clutching his lifeless midnight penis in a night time whiz.

And let me just say there is no more comfortable way to empty yourself than in this position, I felt like million bucks. I thought to myself “This is how Donald Trump takes a piss”.

I washed up, still avoiding visual contact with my naked body in the mirror, and went back to bed feeling like a champion.

If YOU want to feel like a champion why not come to the Comedy Bar this Saturday April 9th for the Comedy Records Showcase-You’ll be god damn glad ya did- then you can follow it up next Tuesday with another show I’m producing at the LEGENDARY comedy secret that is Czehoski on Queen-Click the poster to join the event.

on Thursday I had the pleasure of doing the Liar Liar show at le Belmont-basically it was three comics we each did a 6 minute story and out of three rounds of story telling the audience had to pick which time you were lying.

A fun concept and it was refreshing to see a different spin on stand-up comedy-big props to Sasha Manoli for putting it together and for also letting me crash on her couch with her cats that night.

The morning after was a disaster.

I forgot that last call was like 3:30am in Montreal and I’m pretty sure they served us well after. Also I was teamed up with Comedians Chris Betts, and Shawn Hogan (from the east coast) so between the three of us I’d say we drank 8 thousand beers. Great guys, hilarious, and an absolute kick in the dick….kick in the dick being fun.

So the next morning I rolled off Sasha’s couch and hopped in the car with a few of her pals to grab brunch.

the drive was going great until we took the “scenic” route up the mountain in Montreal…I didn’t know Montreal had a mountain…mount montreal…mount-real…I don’t know what it’s called but it was nice.

It was nice until I started to feel like I was going to barf out my ears.

The drive down was steep and swervy, I rolled my window down a bit to get some air in, but not too much to alarm the female passengers.

I got to the point of stomach sick where my brain was saying “try not to puke try not to puke…maybe you’ll puke…you probably will why fight it…think you’ll feel better? yeah maybe…no you won’t…yes…you’re going to puke…no stopping now at some point you’re going to puke”

And it was at that point I heaved my torso out the window and chunked all over the Rue’s of Montreal. Completely oblivious of what was happening around me.

I looked up long enough to realize I’d been dry heaving at a red light and the sidewalkers stared at me with disgust and wonder.

I wanted to tip my hat and give an “Allo, Bonjour” but the dry heaving continued as we rocketed towards brunch.

When we got to brunch we all ordered our drinks, the probably gay server named jeff (name tag saying “Alfonso”) found out I was from Toronto and he patted me on the back and said “well try and ave a gooood tyme ear huh?”

And as he walked away I said to the gals “Man that server wants to fuck me”

In which the lesbian at the table jumped in and began flirting back with Jeff Alfonso.

In the end she managed to get his Myspace (which I didn’t realize people still used) and I thought to myself…I didn’t want to have sex with him, she’s a lesbian she dosen’t want to, and god knows what Jeff Alfonso wants.

What a waste of sexuality.

And also a waste of time, no one wanted to fuck anyone in that scenario it was just an excuse to talk shit-which I can always appreciate.

Later that day I played the comedy works both late shows, it was a great night, and it was at the late show that I got my most confusing criticism I’ve ever gotten

MAN:”You were hilarious I really liked your writing it was great, but I only liked about 9 minutes of your set the rest you gotta work on, hit the open mics and try some stuff out”

ME:” I was up there for 10 minutes…you liked 9 of my 10 minutes”

MAN: “……Keep writing, Good stuff kid…”

I guess it’s a good thing…9/10 is better than 8…or 7……or dry heaving onto Montreal pavement.

Here’s some of the promo I did for the Liar Liar show-we had to tell our best/worst lie:

I think the whole “I speak english only, french is funny and confusing thing” is a bit played out, I’m sure the people here have had enough of it. But I gotta plead ignorance I’m garbage when it comes to the french language. I don’t want to be disrespectful so I don’t even try speaking french, but I don’t want to sound too ignorant and anglophone…for some reason I end up sounding like I have a texan accent…? Why the hell does that happen?

I had a mild situation come up on the bus, as I was trying to doze off I kept hearing someone playing bejewelled on their phone.

It was loud enough that people around me noticed and those stupid clinking and clanking bejewelled noises were driving me fucking insane.

I looked around and saw that I wasn’t the only one about to blow a shit gasket so I stood up and said “holy shit what is that noise it’s driving me crazy here.”
Thinking I would be applauded for my observation and carried to the front of the bus by hands and cheering.

Instead I saw the look in everyones eyes…it was a “Oh god I hope he doesn’t cut off our heads like that guy on a bus a couple years ago” look. and then I realized…….I am actually insane.

Great to be in Montreal!

Here’s the show I’m doing tonight if you’re in town come check it out, I’ll be at the Comedy Works tomorrow night covered in gravey.

We all have a room in our house that we use daily, that is completely private.

You can do whatever you want in there and most of the time it will never be known by anyone but yourself. I know people do the usual weird things, pluck something weird, pop something, shave at a weird angle, talk to yourself in the mirror.

I can honestly say I’ve never motivated myself in the mirror. I’ve seen in done in movies, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard roommates doing it, I don’t know how common this is but I really don’t have anything important enough to say to myself that I would verbally spit into a reflection.

I figure I’m already me, so I already know whats going on why waste time let’s get a burrito.
Maybe I’d say the last part, I’d smile into the mirror and say “Let’s get a burrito” to myself as I skip down the hall and high five my framed college diploma.

What I’m trying to say is we all have done something in a bathroom that NO ONE knows about and that no one will ever know about.

So I figure I’d break the social contract and tell one of mine.

The other day I was talkin a pee, my bathroom, nobody else home, door closed.
AS I was peeing, I positioned my fingers in an A-OK fashion (seen below) around the stream of pee… just to see if I could.

Absolutely no gain from this, just wanted to see if it could happen…and it did…and it was a wild ride… no splash back too I kinda thought I’d get a little bit of the niagara falls mist on my hand.

I finished up, washed my hands and left.

SO there’s mine, send me yours lets make this a thing, maybe I can make a stupid book about it and make millions and we can all collectively go for a burrito.

I love this venue because it’s easy to fill and more and more people are coming WANTING to see a comedy show.

I’ve done shows at bars where a comedy show starts in the middle of people eating and drinking and it’s more of an annoyance than anything- I had a giant native american man tell me to “Shut my Shit up” at one of said shows and my shit was immediately SHOT out of my butt.

I had a great line up…that sounds weird saying “I”…because I did I organized the whole show I think it sounds a little cocky for some reason.
BUT I had a great line up of comics John Hastings, Julia Hladkowicz, John Schabl, Sara Hennessey, Tim Nasiopolous, Keith Pedro, Daniel Woodrow and they all murdered.

It’s rare to see a show where every comic destroys but this totally happened….for serious!

I managed to entice some audience members in by strutting around the sidewalk like a pigeon.

You’d be surprised at how effective this was here’s a short clip of what an idiot I can be.

I took a page out of the peacocks play book on that one, he struts around for the women peacocks to entice them. And we all love a good entice.

There was a time in my life when I owned two peacocks. I swear every word of this is true.

I grew up on a farm and as we were riding horses through our back woods my dad caught two peacocks in a tree messin around. And almost as if he’s trained his entire life for this moment, he grabbed a giant net and caught the shit out of these exotic birds.

It was a surreal experinence every morning you could hear the peacocks “ahhh AHHHH….ahh AHHHH….ahhh AHHH” our place sounded like a goddamn rain forest…a rain forest outside of London Ontario.

It was great bringing girls over to my place, they’d walk up the drive way and a couple of peacocks would go strutting by-made my place look the playboy mansion.

Speaking of back home my next show is THIS SATURDAY in PETERBOROUGH (Where the family currently resides) Click the Poster and come by- I love you.

Our transit system in Toronto is notorious for being garbage-late buses, street cars, poor subway service-the works.
I’ll be honest I’ve been alright with the transit in Toronto, maybe it’s the fact that I grew up on a farm and in order to see anyone that was not my direct family or a goat I would have to bike 2 hours in any direction.

But yesterday night me and my lovely lady were coming home from a show, we were waiting at Bloor station going west at about 10:30pm, subway pulls up doors open, and as quickly as they opened and people are trying to pour in the chimes sound and the doors close on my arm and also a woman with her two kids.

As this is happening the numb nutted subway operator has his half bald head peeking out the window at us as we’re yelling at him to open the doors- he just stares like an idiot at us as the train starts to move and we rip our limbs out of the doors.

Like I say I’m usually pretty happy with the TTC but it’s experiences like this that make you hate the whole thing.

And the train sped away I had no one directly to be mad at me, Julia, the mom and her kids just stood in one place circling and making angry noises at nothing. Because the train was gone what can we do.

Those situations are the absolute worst-someone does something shitty to you and you have no way of cussing them out or approaching them on it.

It’s like walking down the sidewalk and getting splashed by a puddle.

Can’t run after the car-will never find out who did it or if they did it on purpose- all you can do is yell a string of profanity and give the puddle the finger.

Also I’d like to point out that as I write this someone or some THING is playing bongos in an apartment above me and they have been for an hour- this is a scenario were I have the potential to cuss someone out face to face, so be sure to watch your local news channel for the story “Toronto man flying scissor kicks entire second floor of apartment buildings tenants in search of bongo player”

Here are some up coming shows I’m Producing and you should check out cause I’m workin my ass off here!
Click the poster for the event

Right?!

Olympics sprinters do it…and they’re in the Olympics!
What I’m trying to say is come to my NEXT show at CZEHOSKI on Queen St. W it’s close enough to the downtown core but not too close to the Hipster stomping ground of deep Queen west.

Basically once you pass the Drake hotel you’re not welcome by anyone and even they hate that they hate you because everyones doing it so they like you but act like they hate you…because that’s cool…that’s the hipster way.

Here’s the Poster for the even click it and join the cause it’ll be huge and you’ll thank me and shower kisses on loved ones.

It will be a FILMED event so show up and maybe your lovely mug will be in the promo video for the show and you’ll be rich and famous because of it and maybe you can grab some of that nice green moooon money for me-Royce McCutcheon!

Aside from the getting drunk all the time, I don’t think EASY should ever make an appearance when describing stand-up.

People don’t realize how much work and effort goes into bee boppin around the comedy scene.

For example

Most of my days begin with me working…getting up at 530am…I work a day job because I’m funny, but not live comfortable off the funny money…funny. I work 9 hours a day 5 days a week, usually having to switch my shifts around so I have my nights free to do shows. And by that I mean I need every night off because wither I’m booked or not I goto shows.

While at work my two 15 minutes breaks and my one hour lunch are composed of writing scripts on my laptop, designing posters for events, booking shows, and sometimes going to commercial auditions.

After work I can get back to booting around shows, sometimes they’re booked, most of the time they’re open mics.

Luckily Torontos got a pretty solid comedy scene, there’s always a show to goto. Some nights I’ll goto 3-4 shows around the city, I may get on one, all or none of the stages.

And thats what people don’t get – why go out if you’re not guaranteed to get on stage, people think it’s a waste of time.

But there’s a weird comfort just being around comedy shows, being with the people you can smell the juices brewin and in turn it gets my juices going until we’re all juice’n.

ya know?

What I’m trying to say, is I know I’m not the only comic doing this I’d say the majority of comedians on the scene have such full long and tiring days, devoted solely to getting 5-10 minutes on stage at night.

a whole day of work, reorganizing schedules, travel, walking, writing all for 5 to 10 minutes of (usually) unpaid entertainment.

I’m in no way complaining, I love every bit of it.

Just know that next time you’re watching some goof ball talk shit on a comedy stage they likely worked their ass off to get up there, they’re not getting paid, and all they want is you to listen and have a good time.

Unless they’re a prop comic.

Here’s where you should come see me LIVE in March:

Friday March 4th- House of Comedy Niagara Falls- 9pm

Saturday March 5th- Comedy Bar- 945 Bloor St. W- 8pm

Thursday March 10- Yuk Yuk’s Vaughn – 9pm

Monday March 14th- The Rivoli Toronto- 9pm

Tuesday March 15th- Czehoski Toronto- 9pm

Saturday March 19th- Knights of Columbus Hall Peterborough- 9pm

Thursday March 24th- Le Belmont Montreal- 830pm

Friday March 25th- The Comedy Works Montreal- 830pm, 10pm

Sunday March 27th- Public Lounge Toronto- 9pm

Tuesday March 29- Sketch Comedy at The Super Market Toronto- 9pm

Here’s my Funny YouTube Thing of the Day: Pandas dancing…obviously they’re scratching their asses on branches but take it for what it is, what am I a zoo doctor get outa heeeeere.

I’ve got this retainer back from when I used to have braces, I noticed one of my top teeth shifting out of place in a few photos lately so I thought I’d shove on the old retainer and try to force it back into place. I barely wore this thing when I should have, my orthodontist must be spinning in his grave assuming he’s dead. It’s just one damn tooth I wish I had dentures i could just pop out my gibs whenever I wanted. My dad and grandpa both can do it, and it used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid. Any family member that can remove a piece of his face is worse than any horror movie. But now that I’m an adult (kinda) I can understand it… and I want it.

Other than my chiclets shifting around the past few days I was able to hash out some new material at open mics at the drake, bettys and the central and I got the go ahead today to host a show at Comedy Bar on March 5th which I’m pretty pumped about.

I put on a bunch of people who I find hilarious and I’m hoping you will too..because you’re gonna go…you…person reading this…I’ve already pointed you out so YOU better show up otherwise it’ll be weird, click the poster to goto the event.

I came across a crazy guy on the street car tonight that I recognized from two days before and a few days before that. He always gets on belligerent drunk and swears to himself at the top of his lungs. The problem here is that I recognized him and instinctively nodded as if we were old pals. The look on his face was pretty priceless I swear I saw a look that was like “who’s this crazy fuck”.

here’s the Funny Youtube Thing of The Day: this is an exact reinactment from my childhood when my sisters blamed me for the dump on the rug… which I did.

When I’m on my way to a show I feel like thats when the juices are flowing…also i hate that I just said “juices flowing” like I’m some kind of motivational coach… I feel like fitness instructors say that a lot.

Regardless I find I write the most material in anticipation of a show, because usually when I get to a weekly open mic there’s no crowd so I usually just talk shit to the other comics for 7 minutes…or as I put it on Monday I just use dead rooms to hear what the joke sounds like spoken into a mic, no basis on if the joke is good or not.
Also the jokes I wrote on the way to the gig I never end up using that night because it’ll ruin the concept for me and I won’t want to say it again, I wait until there’s a bigger attentive crowd.

SO you can see why comedy drives people insane. I think everyone has their own process, this is just what I’ve stuck with.

On the side my bud John Hastings returned from England and we recorded the next instalment of our increasingly popular pod cast NEWS TALK GO with lovely guest Julia Hladkowicz. Click the picture above to subscribe. It’s good to be back on the cast, and also to have something on the side other than stand-up it keeps…whats the phrase…it keeps the JUICES FLOWING.

Also I did Yoga for the first time ever in my human life.

I always wanted to try it, so me and Julia hopped in a class.
I can’t flex worth shit, I pulled my back out for 3 days getting out of bed last week..I’m a disaster.
Also I need to close my eyes next class, I’m very susceptible to learning the easy way out and if you look around a yoga class too much, you see guys doing moves half assed and think “oh man that looks way easier I’ll do that”.

Also I was farting like a bastard all class.

I’ve heard that some moves push the farts out of you, but in my case every move was like pulling the trigger to my butt rifle.

People around me had there eyes closed the whole time but that might have been a side effect to the toxic fumes looming in the air around my fart saturated yoga mat.

Pray for the person that has to use that mat after me.

Here is the Funny Youtube thing of the day I found: cat follows laser pointer, slides into a bunch of cups. I wish I could see a toll of how many hours I spent doing this to my parents cats… it’s the funnest thing you can do…also what does the cat want to do if it catches the light…I don’t think they have any long term goals when it comes to catching the laser…but then again I saw my cat eat a spider and lady bug in one sitting… they have no goals.

First off I’m nervous as shit running a show there’s way too many things to worry about. I can preform in front of thousands of people solo but once I’m in charge of an event, promotion, the people, the comics, I cream my pants…the back part.

I think it’s because everything that happens is basically a product of what I have done…why would you want to put yourself in this position.

I’ve been molesting the comedy scene in Toronto for about 3 years now and I figure I should give something back, I’ve tried to run a room 3 times now in 3 different venues and they didn’t get past the first night…one venue completely shut down after the first show, comedy caused the place to implode on itself…I don’t know if that makes the show look so amazing that no other entertainment could survive…or if it makes it look like the owner of the venue hung himself after seeing a garbage stand-up show.

I was pacing around the block thinking about how I could pull a crowd in an hour before the show, I whored it hard on Facebook and annoyed the shit out of everyone, and I made flyers to pull in people off the street which is surprisingly effective.

I don’t know what these people were doing on the street 8pm on a Tuesday but once I suggested a comedy show they willingly trolled into the bar…like they were just wandering the city aimlessly waiting for someone to tell them what to do, it was pretty unreal, I don’t even talk to the sick kids clip board people so good for these people for not face palming me into a snow bank.

The show went great, the back room holds about 50 people and it was packed to the tits, all the comics destroyed, K Trevor Wilson, Julia Hladkowicz, Monty Scott, Dylan Gott, Nicholas Reynoldson, and Mark Debonis.

Bottom line look for this show to keep going monthly, I’ve got big dreams for the place and hoping comedy will be a reg event.

Also I got blasted drunk after which was a plus.

I want to invent a vaccum that picks up spare change everytime I come home and disrobe my change explodes out of my pockets and goes everywhere it’s a disaster. Then I gotta pick at each individual coin on the hardwood floor like an idiot, it’s 2011 we gotta have a better system here.
Like if my floor was just a giant reverse magnet and every time I dropped change it would just hover around the room…knowing me I’d probably still be too lazy to pick it up and I’d probably accidentally swallow a mouth full of change as I walked to the bathroom one night. Then I’d be the guy that shits loonies and everyone wants to hang out with that guy…also at my shows I could bend over a spray the audience in change, tell me you’re not comin to that show.

Here’s the Funny Youtube thing of the day I found: this kid barfs like a champion almost like he knows how amazing it’s going to look on Youtube…what I’m trying to say is this kid should be the new prime minister…sorry about my political rant.

I had the pleasure of doing Laugh Sabbath at the Rivoli tonight, usually a rammed show but the crowd was unusually small. Still a great time, check it out every Sunday it’s easily one of the best shows in town…

which blows me away that instead of enjoying the amazing live entertainment we have in Toronto, easily some of the best in the country maybe even North America, people would rather stay at home and watch an awards show.

Some things I can understand, but an awards show? You’re gonna sit and watch other people succeed and be awarded and make fun of what they wear with your pals while you lay there covered in cheetos and white wine.
If you’re reading this and you’re not a comic or entertainer take advantage of what the city has-or whatever city you’re in-it’s a goddamn waste that we have so much talent and it goes unnoticed because of an awards show. duuuuumb.

regardless tonight was a good time, after Sabbath I headed to the fox and the fiddle and talked some more shit on their open mic. Witnessed a group of women and a couple guys doing coke in the bathroom, before they decided to be a part of the show and heckle the comics.

the more I write about tonight the more it sounds like a disaster but for some reason I had a really good time.

Oh! I did see a live Possum on the street walking home.

A Possum?

I didn’t know that was a wildlife option in a major city downtown core. I’ve seen racoons, skunks, yeah pigeons but never a back woods possum. Walking up to it I thought it was giant ugly cat, and usually my first instinct when I see a cat is to maow at it to get it’s attention.

I don’t think I’m the only person that does this, I maow and if the cat maows back I lose my mind and laugh like a little girl. Same with dogs, if I get a dog to “a roo roo roo” at me I’m a happy guy. You could tell me the worst news and follow it with a cat maowing at me and I’d still giggle and tee hee until I shit my pants.

Here is my Funny Youtube Thing Of The Day: It’s an old polite man robbing the shit out of another old polite man- just goes to show you that good people do bad things to other good people badly…?

But the thing with K Trev is he’s at least 3 times my size, and whatever we smoked knocked me on my ass. I tried to deny how high I actually was but by the time I hit the stage I was blasted outa my mind.

I’ve never done standup that high, I was beginning jokes and forgetting why I started. Bottom line I’m sure this is all normal, and afterwards I felt like a huge puss, but during I felt like the world was coming to an end.

I’m too tired to go into too much detail but I’m not getting that high ever again before a set, i had to pull chute 4 minutes into my first set because I couldnt form a human sentence, luckily I was closing Woo Lounge so I had an hour to sober up before doing it all over again.

One other thing that happened as we were sitting in woo lounge we were talking about the coloured walls…the walls had lights in them so that you could change the colour by flipping a switch.
I told my pal Nick Reynoldson the guy running the show to change the wall colours from Blue to something else cause I figured Blue ment sad and sad people don’t want to laugh.
made sense at the time.

So the owner of the bar changed it to red.
I was having a conversation with my girlfriend and I was saying how if any colour was going to be the funniest, Yellow would be the funniest colour…cause it’s bright I figure if yellow was a person he’d be a nut he’d be the guy doin the keg stands and takin a shit in the DVD player…I was still pretty high at this time.
The owner, hearing my chatter about the walls storms over and says
“HA yeah yellow the funniest well I changed them to red so that’s the way it’s staying pal.”

I wasn’t talking shit about the wall colour, but this guy thought I was chirping him on his wall colour choice and looked like he wanted to upper cut me in the chest.

what I’m trying to say is running a show is stressful, come out to my show on the 15th-Czehoski’s Bar on Queen 9pm.

Here’s the funny thing of the day: I wish the TTC was like this…be alot less old people sloppin around in the seats…ya know?

This is the FIRST NIGHT of the show I’m hoping to make a permanent room in the already amazing line of shows we have in Toronto, it would mean alot to me personally if you came out to the launch of this show it’s the comedians that bring the entertainment but it’s the crowds that keep it entertaining.

So come check out the show and keep posted on future shows this months gonna be a doozy.

COMEDY RECORDS PRESENTS: COMEDY AT CZEHOSKI

$4 Bottles of 50 and $4 Jager Shots

FEATURING

Nick Reynoldson (Absolute Comedy, Comedy Records)

K. Trevor Wilson (Absolute Comedy, Comedy Records)

Monty Scott (Absolute Comedy, Comedy Records)

Dylan Gott (Yuk Yuk’s, Comedy Records)

Julia Hladkowicz (Yuk Yuk’s, Last Comic Smoking 2010)

HOSTED BY

MATT O’BRIEN (XM Radio Canada’s Next top Comic 2010)

Showtime at 9pm Pay What You Can at the door recommended $5 cover

PURCHASE COMEDY RECORDS PRESENTS ON iTUNES

http://itunes.apple.com/ca/album/comedy-records-presents/id386238627

February 3rd will be the first ever GRINDHOUSE COMEDY NIGHT! Drinks specials, delicious burgers, laughs and it’s PWYC!

A hilarious soirée with Toronto’s top comics, Hosted by:

JULIA HLADKOWICZ!-Last Comic Smoking, Grindhouse Comedy

Also on the bill?

SARA HENNESSEY-Video on Trial, Laugh Sabbath
MATT O’BRIEN-XM Radio Canada’s Next Top Comic
ALEX PAVONE-YukYuks
PHIL MOOREHEAD-Super Funny Dude
STEPH TOLEV-Ladystache
DOM PARE-Just For Laughs Home Grown

and HEADLINER:

ROB PUE!

Punk’d, Just For Laughs, Comedy Now, XM Radio and more!

Follow Grindhouse Comedy on twitter! @grindcomedy

For bookings email grindhousecomedy@gmail.com

“can’t goto school today it’s too sunny”

“can’t goto school today it’s too cloudy”

“can’t goto school today the air is a bit too moist and it looks like it might rain and even if it doesn’t the sun might come out and the warmth from the sun rays might heat up the zipper on my jacket and I might burn my hand causing me to flinch and hit myself in the eye making it impossible to read the upcoming weather warnings on the weather network.”

that kind of thing.

here’s my funny youtube thing I found of the day…past two days

I managed to get two shows in tonight, tried some new material out at the fox and the fiddle at wells station. Not a huge crowd but there was a guy with an eye patch eating a burger in the front row.

I learned something from this, I was so curious about how the eye patch came to be I asked him hoping for some kind of hilarious audience banter.
I asked him how he got the eye patch and he replied “I’m a retired pirate”.
Classic eye patch bit (as if there’s an abundance of eye patch related material)
It gets a laugh, alls well…but for some reason I figure that’s not enough I call him on his bluff and dig deeper hoping for something funnier to come of it. So I ask again and he takes a deep breath and says “well I was in a car accident in the ’80′s and I’ve had it ever since…real rough time”

For some reason I thought the painful reminiscence of this old man’s eye gouging would be funnier than his kooky dad style pirate joke…sometimes ya gotta stop at a pirate punchline.

Also walking to the gig I was stopped by a kid selling a bottle of Jack Daniels…I wasn’t really thrown off by it but more the fact that he avoided and dodged several other people to ask me if I wanted to buy his bottle of street whiskey. Like I look like the demographic for his independent LCBO he’s running at the corner of Younge and Dundas…now albeit he was selling this unopened bottle for cheap I wasn’t going to just buy a bottle of booze in passing, and also what about me says “If I’m not carrying a bag of booze I’m looking to buy..from anyone anywhere.”

I’ve been told I have a scum baggy look, long hair beard, but scum bag is in..it’s trendy now. But I’ve always been kinda gruffy….gruffy?

I think if you just stay the style you are long enough eventually that will become a style and then instead of being disgusted you’ll be praised for your stylishness. SO just be you is what I’m saying…oh god this blogs getting too real..stay with me I’ll get funny again.

After the Fox I walked over to the Rivoli to catch my Pal Debonis hosting the Alt Dot show, it was pretty stacked with Deb DiGiovanni on the show. It seemed to be going alright until two drunk trailer piles start yapping in the front table.

I never understood how drunk you have to be to want to talk shit and distract a room full of strangers…then again
I do the same thing only in a spot light…but..ya know thats…different.

They end up being asked to leave but not before getting in a yelling match with a guy the size of a couch on the way out bringing the show to a halt, before picking up again.
all and all I pretty productive night, looking to do the same again tomorrow hitting a few open mics, at my old stompin ground Durham College on weds, and then at the first ever GrindHouse comedy night on thursday hosted by my beloved Julia Hladkowicz.

Now here’s my funny thing I found of the day- guy smelling a butt in the dark… next to farting I will always forever laugh at someone gagging and dry heaving, try not to smile when the guy dry heaves you can’t it’s hilarious…that’s why it’s the funny thing of the day.

Well here we go, I’m starting up a blog.
I’ll be honest I’ve had this page for over a month now and I’d just open up the browser and stare at the blank page. What do you write in a blog eh?
Guess I’ll say a little ditty about myself, I’m a stand-up comic, come May of this year I’ll have been at it for 3 years.